Look beyond what normally starts the argument and establish what is actually troubling each of you. Ask yourself:“What is really upsetting me?” Then ask your spouse the same question, before assuming that you already know the answer.

For instance, Sarah could explain: “When you arrive home much later than expected without telling me, I become worried because I do not know whether you are safe. I also feel that my concern is not being considered.” David might then explain:“When I arrive home after a difficult day and the first thing I hear is criticism, I feel that the pressure I am dealing with at work is not understood.” This changes the discussion. Instead of arguing repeatedly about lateness, they can now address communication, concern and the pressure David is experiencing at work.

Therefore, do not assume that the issue you are arguing about is necessarily the issue that needs to be resolved.

Do not wait until the problem happens again before trying to resolve it, given that If every serious discussion begins when one spouse is already angry, disappointed or exhausted, you are more likely to repeat the familiar argument than reach a solution.

Sarah could say to David at an appropriate time: “I do not want us to keep having the same argument whenever you come home late. Could we talk about what is happening and agree on how we can handle it differently?”

Therefore, choose a time when both of you can give the conversation appropriate attention. In other words, avoid beginning an important discussion when one spouse is rushing somewhere, extremely tired or already upset about another matter.

If an argument has already become heated, agree to return to the issue when both of you are calmer rather than saying things that will make the disagreement more difficult to resolve. The objective is not to avoid difficult conversations but to discuss in an environment where resolution is more likely.

Clearly state what is troubling you and the effect os that situation on you; without turning the discussion into an attack on your spouse's character. Avoid statements such as: “You never think about anybody except yourself” or“You are always looking for something to complain about.” These statements drive the other person to go on the defensive rather than addressing the problem.

Sarah could instead say: “When I expect you at a particular time and several hours pass without hearing from you, I become worried. I prefer that you let me know whenever you expect to be late.” David could say: “When I come home and the conversation immediately begins with accusations, I feel that's unfair. I would prefer that you first ask me what happened, then I can always explain.”

In other words, describe the behaviour; its effect on you and your relationship; and the change you would like to see. This gives your spouse something specific to respond to.

Give your spouse an opportunity to explain his or her perspective without immediately preparing a defence. Ask questions to get clarity, should that become necessary. You can also paraphrase before responding. For example, you could say: “So the main problem is not simply that I come home late. You are saying that when I do not communicate, you become worried and feel that I have am taking your concern for granted. Is that what you mean?”

Sarah could similarly establish whether David's defensiveness is arising from the pressure he experiences at work rather than from his failure to communicate with her.

Notice that understanding your spouse's concern does not mean that you automatically agree with everything he or she says; but that you have understood the concern accurately enough to address it. If both spouses spend the conversation proving why the other person is wrong, the argument is likely to continue.

Do not end the discussion with vague promises such as “We shall try to communicate better.” Rather, agree on what each of you will actually do differently the next time the situation arises.

David might say: “If I realise that I will be home later than expected, I will call or send you a message as soon as I know.” For Sarah, she could say: “If you arrive home late after informing me, I will not begin by accusing you of being inconsiderate. I will raise the matter calmly and be ready to listen.”

In other words, the agreement should address the concerns of both spouses. Therefore, avoid treating resolution as a process in which one person must change while the other continues behaving exactly as before.

Find the root cause of that recurring disagreement. Is it to do with money, relatives, household responsibilities, parenting, intimacy or another matter? Devise ways of addressing the root-cause.  All in all, agree on who will do what, when and under what circumstances to avoid recurrence.

Give the agreement an opportunity to work. Be postive and objective. However, do not assume that one conversation will automatically end a disagreement that has been recurring for months or years. Monitoring is healthy and important. Therefore, notice whether each of you is implementing what you agreed upon. Is the frequency and intensity of the arguments reducing?

For instance, If David has been informing Sarah whenever he expects to be late but they continue arguing, the couple should return to the drawing board and establish what they could have missed out. One of them might say: “We agreed on how we would handle this but we still seem to be getting upset about it. What did we ignore when we talked?”

If any or both of you are repeatedly disregarding agreements o, refusing down-to-earth discussions; if the conflict continues to cause serious distress despite genuine efforts to address the issue, you consider seeking appropriate support from a trusted counsellor.

The purpose of reviewing the agreement is not to keep score of who has failed but to determine whether the changes you agreed upon are actually helping you resolve the recurring problem.