Making your Marriage Work

When Your Spouse Hardly Talks to You Anymore

Question 02

My spouse hardly talks to me anymore. How can I address the growing distance between us without pushing him or her further away?

A Fictitious Case

When Conversations Between Spouses Gradually Disappear

Andrew and Rebecca have been married for nine years. During the earlier years of their marriage, they regularly talked about their work, plans, family matters and the ordinary events of their day.

Over time, their conversations have become increasingly limited. Andrew usually returns home, eats dinner and spends much of the evening on his phone or watching television. When Rebecca tries to start a conversation, his responses are often brief.

Rebecca has begun asking questions such as, “Why don't you ever talk to me anymore?” or “What is wrong with you?” Andrew usually responds that he is tired or that there is nothing to talk about. On some occasions, Rebecca continues pressing him for an explanation until he becomes irritated and withdraws further.

Rebecca now feels lonely despite living with her husband. Andrew, meanwhile, appears increasingly uncomfortable whenever she tries to initiate a serious conversation. Neither of them has established what has caused the change or how to address it.

How to Address the Growing Distance Without Pushing Your Spouse Further Away

When communication between spouses declines, repeatedly demanding conversation may increase the very withdrawal you are trying to address. At the same time, ignoring the growing distance is unlikely to resolve it.
You need to create an opportunity for honest communication while also establishing what may be making your spouse reluctant to engage.

Here are six practices to consider

1. Establish When and How the Communication Began to Change

Think carefully about when you first noticed the change and what was happening in your marriage or your spouse's life at the time.

Consider whether the withdrawal followed a particular disagreement, repeated criticism, a demanding period at work, financial difficulties, family pressures or another significant change.

Rebecca might realise that Andrew became noticeably quieter several months earlier when he was experiencing serious difficulties at work. Alternatively, she might recognise that their conversations had gradually become dominated by complaints, household problems and disagreements.

Do not immediately decide that you know why your spouse has withdrawn. Use what you observe to help you begin the conversation rather than to make an accusation.

2. Raise the Concern Without Accusing Your Spouse

Choose an appropriate time and explain what you have noticed and how it is affecting you.

Rebecca could say:

“I have noticed that we do not talk as much as we used to and I miss the closeness we had. I would like to understand whether something has changed for you.”

That is more likely to open a conversation than:

“You never talk to me anymore. What is your problem?”

Avoid beginning with conclusions such as “You don't care about this marriage” or “You are deliberately shutting me out.” You may be describing your interpretation rather than your spouse's intention.

State the change you have noticed, explain your concern and invite your spouse to tell you what may be happening.

3. Give Your Spouse Room to Explain What May Be Causing the Withdrawal

If your spouse begins to explain, resist the temptation to challenge every statement or immediately defend yourself.

Andrew might say that he has been under considerable pressure at work and often arrives home mentally exhausted. He might also say that he sometimes avoids conversations because he expects them to become discussions about what he has failed to do.

Rebecca does not have to agree with every aspect of his explanation. She does, however, need to understand it.

Ask questions that help clarify the problem:

“Is there something about the way we have been communicating that makes you reluctant to talk?”

Or:

“What would make it easier for us to talk more openly again?”

If your spouse is initially reluctant to answer, avoid turning the conversation into an interrogation. Make it clear that the matter is important to you and that you are willing to return to it at an appropriate time.

4. Examine Whether Your Own Communication May Be Contributing to the Distance

Consider honestly how you normally respond when your spouse talks to you.

Do you frequently interrupt, dismiss concerns, criticise, lecture, ridicule or turn ordinary conversations into arguments? Does your spouse expect that sharing an opinion will lead to prolonged questioning or criticism?

Rebecca might realise, for example, that when Andrew talks about difficulties at work, she quickly begins telling him what he should have done differently. Andrew may therefore have gradually stopped discussing work with her.

If you identify a behaviour that may be discouraging communication, change it deliberately.

You might say:

“I realise that I sometimes start giving you solutions before I have really listened. I am going to work on that.”

Do not assume that your spouse's withdrawal is automatically your responsibility. The purpose is to identify anything within your own control that may be making communication more difficult.

5. Rebuild Everyday Communication Without Making Every

Conversation About the Problem

Do not make every attempt at conversation another discussion about why your spouse is not communicating.

Create opportunities for ordinary connection. Ask about your spouse's day, share something about your own, discuss a common interest, take a walk together or spend some uninterrupted time together where conversation can occur naturally.

If Andrew begins sharing something small about his day, Rebecca should resist turning that opening immediately into:

“You see, this is what I have been asking you to do. Why can't you talk like this all the time?”

That response may make him regret having opened up.

Give ordinary conversation room to return without continually evaluating whether your spouse is now “communicating properly.”

6. Address Persistent Withdrawal Rather Than Learning to Live Around It

If you have raised the concern respectfully, made reasonable changes in your own communication and created opportunities for connection but your spouse continues to withdraw, do not simply accept prolonged emotional distance as the new state of the marriage.

Raise the matter again clearly.

You might say:

“I have tried to give you space because I do not want to pressure you. However, the distance between us is affecting our marriage and I do not think we should continue ignoring it. I would like us to find a way of addressing this together.”

If the two of you repeatedly fail to make progress, consider seeking appropriate professional support together. Persistent withdrawal may involve issues that are difficult to resolve through occasional conversations at home.

Giving your spouse reasonable space is different from allowing an important marital problem to remain indefinitely unaddressed.

Final
Thought

In Closing

You cannot rebuild communication by forcing your spouse to talk but neither should you ignore a growing pattern of silence and emotional distance.

Raise the concern without accusation, listen carefully to what may be behind the withdrawal, examine your own contribution and create opportunities for ordinary communication to return.

The aim is not simply to make your spouse talk more. It is to restore the conditions in which both of you can communicate openly and feel heard.

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