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Making your Marriage Work

When You Are Uncomfortable With Your Spouse’s Relationship With a Work Colleague

Question 14

My spouse frequently speaks very highly of a woman he works with and I am becoming uncomfortable with their relationship. How can I raise my concerns without appearing jealous or accusing him of something he may not be doing?
A Fictitious Case

The Turbulence from a Husband’s Overpraised Supervisee

“Vanessa saved us today,” Martin announced as he and his wife Christine had dinner after a long day. It was the warm time of the year, so the young couple had decided to enjoy their meal on the cool lawn. The atmosphere was ambient, to say the least, as traffic from the highway created decorative glimmers in the distance. “We had a presentation for the Executive Committee and somebody discovered an error in the figures at the last minute. That woman reorganised the entire presentation in less than an hour. Brilliant girl.” Christine smiled. “At least you have somebody competent on your team.” “I am telling you. If I had three Vanessas in that department, I would sleep peacefully at night.”

Christine's laughter was half-baked. This was not the first time she had heard such glowing praise about Vanessa. In fact, the praises were becoming a bit too frequent for her comfort. Especially after a difficult day when all she had been looking forward to was catching up with her husband. Sales in her business had plummeted throughout the week and another woman's successes was the last thing she expected to hear from her young and handsome husband.
“So, how was your day?” Martin asked, reaching for a second serving. “Not particularly good,” Christine replied. “Sales have been terrible this week.” “Sorry about that,” Martin said. “Hopefully, things will pick up next week.”

Before Christine could say much more, Martin's telephone vibrated on the table. He glanced at the screen and smiled. “Speak of the devil.” “Who?” Christine asked. “Vanessa. She has just sent me the final presentation.”
Martin opened the document on his phone and scrolled through it. “Look at this. She has even cleaned up the slides we didn't ask her to touch. This girl takes initiative.” Christine held her gaze and froze for a moment, then continued eating quietly.

Over the following weeks, Vanessa's name continued making regular appearances in their home. Vanessa had handled a difficult client exceptionally well. Vanessa had volunteered to stay late and complete an urgent report. Vanessa had represented the department brilliantly at a meeting Martin could not attend. If somebody made a mistake at work, Martin retorted that Vanessa would never have allowed such a thing to happen. And truth be told, Christine was beginning to get irritated by her husband’s unmistakable obsession over the girl.

But as days passed by, Christine tried to dismiss her growing irritation. Martin headed a department and naturally worked closely with the people he supervised. She had also heard him praise other members of his team before. The difference was that none of their names had ever featured quite as frequently in their conversations as Vanessa's did.

One Saturday morning, Martin's telephone rang while he and Christine were having breakfast. “Vanessa, good morning,” he answered immediately. Christine looked up from her cup of tea. The conversation was entirely about work. Martin listened for a while, asked several questions then laughed at something Vanessa said before ending the call. “That girl is something else,” he remarked as he placed the telephone on the table. “She has already sorted out the problem we were discussing yesterday.”

Christine looked at him. “Martin, do you ever get tired of praising this woman?” He frowned. “What is that supposed to mean?” “It means exactly what I said. Vanessa this. Vanessa that. Every other day there is something wonderful Vanessa has done.”
Martin stared at his wife for a moment before laughing. “Christine, surely you are not jealous of somebody I supervise?” The word ‘jealous’ immediately put Christine on the defensive. “I didn't say I was jealous.” “Then what is the problem? The woman is good at her job. Am I supposed to pretend that she isn't because she happens to be a woman?”

Christine did not respond. Put that way, her concern sounded petty even to her. She had no evidence that Martin and Vanessa were involved in anything inappropriate. Martin had never hidden their telephone conversations and, as far as Christine knew, their interactions were work-related. Yet, something about the frequency and enthusiasm with which her husband spoke about Vanessa continued to bother her.

A few weeks later, Christine accompanied Martin to a corporate function. As they moved around the room, a smartly dressed young woman approached them. “Martin!” Martin's face brightened. “Vanessa! Come and meet my wife.” He turned towards Christine. “This is the lady I keep telling you about. One of the best people I have ever supervised.” Vanessa laughed. “Don't believe everything he tells you. He gives me too much credit.” The three chatted briefly before Vanessa excused herself to join some colleagues.

As they drove home later that evening, Martin once again remarked on Vanessa's professional abilities. This time Christine had had enough. “Martin, I know Vanessa works for you and I know you think highly of her professionally. But I need you to understand something. I am becoming uncomfortable with how much space this woman seems to occupy in our conversations.”

Martin turned towards her in disbelief. “Christine, Vanessa is my supervisee. What exactly do you think is going on?” “I don't know that anything is going on,” Christine replied. “That is not what I said.” “Then why are we having this conversation?”

Christine turned towards the window. That was precisely the difficulty. She did not want to accuse her husband of something she could not prove. But neither did she want to wait until she had something to prove before being allowed to tell him that his relationship with another woman was making her uncomfortable.

How to Address Uneasiness About Your Spouse’s Relationship with a Work Colleaguee

It is perfectly possible for a married person to admire the competence of a colleague of the opposite sex without having any romantic interest in that person. At the same time, repeated praise, frequent communication or an unusually prominent place for one particular colleague in everyday conversation may begin to make a spouse uncomfortable. The challenge is to address that discomfort without turning suspicion into fact. That said, a spouse’s genuine uneasiness should not be dismissed simply because there is no evidence of an illicit involvement with that colleague.

Christine was facing that difficulty. Nothing in Martin's interactions with Vanessa provided clear evidence of an inappropriate relationship. In fact, much of what the wife observed could reasonably be explained by the fact that Vanessa was an exceptionally competent supervisee. Yet, Martin's persistent praises of Vanessa had begun to intrude on their marriage and Christine could no longer pretend that it did not bother her.

Here are six practices that can help you address such a situation constructively.
1. Establish What Exactly Is Making You Uncomfortable

Christine's concern was not simply that Martin worked closely with a woman. He had presumably worked with several and she would hear him speak positively about other members of his team without feeling provoked. What was different in this case was the frequency and enthusiasm with which the man praised Vanessa and the mega space this particular woman appeared to occupy in their conversations.

Before raising a similar matter with your spouse, crystallise what is actually making you uncomfortable. The problem may be the frequency with which your spouse speaks about the colleague, communication that unnecessarily spills into your personal time, the amount of time the two spend together, excessive admiration or comparisons that are beginning to make you uncomfortable.

Being precise about the source of your uneasiness will help you address the real issue rather than objecting generally to your spouse's relationship with the colleague. It also reduces the risk of an important conversation degenerating into accusations about jealousy, insecurity or infidelity before the actual issue has even been discussed.

2. Distinguish What You Know From What You Suspect

Christine knew that Martin supervised Vanessa, communicated with her about work and spoke about the supervisee with great admiration. What she did not know was whether his admiration had developed into anything beyond professional appreciation. Her uneasiness was genuine but it did not automatically provide evidence of an inappropriate relationship.

When you become uncomfortable with your spouse's relationship with a work colleague, separate what you feel from what you actually observe before drawing any conclusions. Frequent telephone calls, for example, may be something you have noticed. Insinuating that those calls are evidence of an illicit relationship is a different matter altogether unless you have information that supports that conclusion.

This does not mean that you should ignore your instincts or suppress any discomfort about where the relationship could lead. Are they getting too close or breaching boundaries? Much as you are entitled to red flag a relationship, address what you know and seek clarification about what you do not know. This will give your spouse an opportunity to respond to the issue at hand without first having to defend herself or himself against an allegation that you may not be able to substantiate. Pasted markdown

3. Address Your Spouse’s Conduct Without Attacking the Colleague

Nothing in the situation suggests that Vanessa had done anything wrong. She appeared to be performing her work exceptionally well and Martin was the one who repeatedly brought her achievements into conversations with his wife. Turning Vanessa into the problem would therefore have diverted the couple’s attention from the conduct that was actually disturbing Christine.

In case you find yourself in a similar situation, resist the temptation to insult the colleague, belittle his or her professional achievements or suggest that the person has ill motives without any evidence. This may drive your spouse to defend a colleague who has been unfairly attacked, which could, in essence, turn a discussion into an argument about that person rather than focusing on the real issue at hand.

Therefore, keep the conversation where it belongs; that is, between you and your spouse. Explain the conduct you have noticed and the effect it is having on you. In other words, address your spouse's excessive praises, unnecessary communication or another identifiable behaviour rather than launching an attack on the person at the centre of the situation. Pasted markdown

4. Give Your Spouse an Opportunity to Explain the Relationship

When Christine eventually voiced her uneasiness, Martin immediately dismissed it as jealousy. Yet, he had not taken time to understand what was actually bothering his wife. Christine was not accusing him of having an illicit relationship with Vanessa. She was uncomfortable with the frequency and enthusiasm with which he praised the woman and the prominence Vanessa seemed to have acquired in their conversations. Martin therefore needed to listen to his wife before defending a relationship she had not actually accused him of having.

After raising the matter, allow your spouse to explain the nature and extent of the professional relationship. Listen carefully to the explanation instead of approaching the discussion with a verdict that you have already reached. There may be legitimate work-related reasons for the frequent communication, meetings, travel or other interactions that have made you uneasy. Giving your spouse an opportunity to explain those circumstances may help you understand the relationship more accurately.

At the same time, listening to an explanation does not mean that you must automatically conclude that everything is innocent. Although the relationship may be entirely professional, some aspects of how it is being handled may be unnecessarily disruptive to your marriage. The purpose of the conversation is therefore not merely to determine whether something illicit is happening. It is also to understand the situation sufficiently well to assess whether there is anything that either of you needs to handle differently.

5. Agree on Reasonable Boundaries that Respect Professional Responsibilities

Martin could not reasonably be expected to stop recognising Vanessa's good performance simply because Christine had become uncomfortable. As her supervisor, acknowledging excellent performance was part of his professional responsibility. What required attention was whether the manner in which he carried that admiration beyond the workplace was creating unnecessary uneasiness in his marriage.

Where your spouse's professional relationship with another person is beginning to interfere with your peace of mind, discuss reasonable boundaries without attempting to interfere with legitimate work responsibilities. A colleague should not have to be denied professional recognition, removed from assignments or treated differently simply to demonstrate loyalty to a spouse. Equally, legitimate work should not become a justification for conduct that unnecessarily intrudes into your marriage.

Agree on adjustments that address the particular issue. This may involve exercising greater discretion about work communication during personal time, reducing unnecessary contact outside working hours or becoming more conscious of how frequently one particular colleague features in conversations at home. The objective is not to police your spouse's workplace relationships but to prevent an otherwise legitimate professional relationship from creating avoidable problems in your marriage. Pasted markdown

6. Take Your Spouse’s Uneasiness Seriously

Martin's response was to ask whether Christine was jealous of somebody he supervised. By immediately attaching a label to her reaction, he placed his wife in the position of defending her feelings instead of giving her an opportunity to explain why his conduct had begun to bother her.

If your spouse tells you that your relationship with a particular colleague is making him or her uncomfortable, avoid dismissing the matter merely because you know that nothing illicit is taking place. Listen to what your spouse has to say and examine whether any aspect of your conduct may reasonably be contributing to the discomfort. You may discover that the situation does not require ending or compromising the professional relationship at all. A relatively small adjustment in how you handle it may be sufficient to provide the reassurance your spouse needs.

Taking your spouse's uneasiness seriously does not amount to admitting wrongdoing. Neither does it require you to submit to unreasonable restrictions or constant suspicion. It means recognising that your conduct can be innocent yet have an unintended effect on your marriage. Addressing the matter early may prevent a manageable situation from growing into resentment, mistrust or persistent conflict. Pasted markdown

Final
Thought

In Closing

A professional relationship with a colleague of the opposite sex does not become inappropriate merely because a spouse feels uncomfortable about it. Equally, the absence of evidence of an illicit relationship should not be used to silence a spouse who has noticed a pattern of behaviour that is creating discomfort in the marriage.

Address what is actually happening before suspicion is allowed to write the rest of the story. Be precise about the behaviour that is making you uncomfortable, distinguish facts from suspicions and give your spouse an opportunity to explain the relationship. Where reasonable adjustments are necessary, embrace them without interfering with legitimate professional responsibilities. Above all, remember that taking your spouse's discomfort seriously is not an admission of guilt. It may simply be one of the sensible things you do to prevent an otherwise legitimate professional relationship from introducing unnecessary turbulence into your marriage.

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