Forgiving’ does not mean ‘Forgetting’
When I told Birungi that ‘forgiving was not forgetting’, she was dumbfounded; given that ‘forgive and forget’ is a slogan that many people use. In fact, some assert that forgivers must delete the memory of what happened. However, such a claim has cheated people out of relationships, as one Nuru discovered. The girl had been fortunate to get employment in a national bank straight after her graduation. But the salary was hardly enough; hence her brainwave to start a beauty spa targeting women with deep pockets. The hitch though, was that the skin treatments that would attract her intended clientele were not available locally. “I have to dash off to Jo’burg on Friday night and rush back by Sunday evening, but swear that you will not tell anyone”, she had disclosed to her work-mate Upendo, soon after securing a shop in a busy city mall. However, Nuru was shocked to receive a memo from the boss instructing her to officiate at a golf tournament that the bank had sponsored. “Sorry to stuff up your plans for travel, given that the tourney is this Saturday”, he said. An enraged Nuru marched to Upendo’s office. After a hot quarrel, Upendo admitted to having betrayed Nuru. During the weeks that followed, their relationship got so strained that the two could hardly greet each other. However, a month later, Upendo wrote a passionate email to Nuru, begging for forgiveness. To cut a long story short, the two made up immediately thereafter. However, things went smoothly until the day that Nuru discovered that Upendo had disclosed another secret of hers, this time to her fiancé Owori. As we speak, the two girls are long term enemies.
The mistake that Nuru made was to confuse ‘forgiving’ with ‘forgetting’. Rather than just forgetting the hurt that Upendo had caused, she (Nuru) also forgot that her friend was unable to keep secrets. Had she remembered Upendo’s flaws, Nuru would have withheld her secrets; and, the two young women would have still been friends today.
At this juncture, I advised Birungi that although she would have to release herself from the ache that Lutalo caused, she was not to ignore that fact that the man could repeat the offence some day in the future.