INTRODUCING THE COSTS OF UNFORGIVENESS

In the previous chapter, we examined some of the common symptoms of unforgiveness and how they may manifest themselves in people's lives. Those symptoms serve as important warning signs that unresolved hurt may be present beneath the surface.

The natural question that follows is this: Why does it matter?

Why should we be concerned about recurrent emotional pain, chronic brooding, avoidance, anger or other symptoms associated with unforgiveness?

The answer is simple. Unforgiveness is rarely a harmless emotional response. When left unresolved, it often comes at a significant personal cost.

Many people recognise the pain caused by the original offence but fail to recognise the additional burden created by carrying that pain for months, years or even decades. In some cases, individuals become so accustomed to living with resentment, bitterness or emotional wounds that they no longer appreciate the impact these issues are having on their well-being and relationships.

Unforgiveness has the potential to influence the way we think, feel and behave. It can affect our emotional health, relationships, productivity, decision-making and overall quality of life. In some cases, it may even prevent individuals from pursuing opportunities, enjoying meaningful relationships or experiencing the peace and happiness they desire.

The purpose of this chapter is to explore some of the costs that people may incur when they allow unforgiveness to remain unresolved. The examples discussed are not intended to suggest that every person will experience all of these consequences. Rather, they illustrate some of the ways in which unresolved hurt can gradually influence different areas of life.

As you read through the discussions that follow, take time to reflect on your own experiences. Consider whether any of the costs described may already be affecting you or someone you know. More importantly, ask yourself whether there are steps you need to take to prevent unresolved hurt from exerting a greater influence over your future.

The goal is not to create fear or discouragement. Rather, it is to increase awareness and strengthen your motivation to pursue emotional freedom. The sooner we recognise the true cost of unforgiveness, the sooner we can begin taking steps towards healing, growth and healthier relationships.

Let us now examine some of the costs that unforgiveness can impose on individuals and the reasons why addressing unresolved hurt is so important.

CHAPTER 3

The Costs of Unforgiveness

Did you know that the world is full of cases of people who have incurred losses as a result of failing to forgive?  Let me underscore the fact that unforgiveness carries very high costs; some of which are not only irreversible, but fatal.  How could you lose out should you fail to forgive a person who offends you?  Here is how.

Selling Off your Happiness to Enemies

My college-mate Apio and I had not met since completing our studies at the state university.  Despite our being close buddies, distance had worked against our friendship.  For no sooner had she graduated than she was posted to a secondary school far from the city.  “I’ve got a job”, she had cried with youthful excitement.  But little did she know that her dimpled smiles were just about to dry on her lips.  For not only did her new boss, Sembatya, resent educated African women, but he had ‘zero tolerance’ for supervisees with qualifications which he himself had failed to attain.  Therefore, the headmaster set out to ensure that Apio regretted the day she ever set foot at that school.

Just a few months later, a ‘Mr. Wafuna’, the Chief Education Officer summoned Apio to his office, claiming that she had leaked the National Science Exams to her students.  “Your headmaster has a mouthful to say about your lack of ethics, young lady”, the Chief had said, glaring through his huge rimmed spectacles.  And from the tone of his voice, it was obvious that he believed every inch of Sembatya’s prefabricated malicious lies.  “That explains why your students performed extraordinarily well”, he added smugly. 

The Chief’s words were like a knife stabbing through Apio’s heart.  For she had always held Mr. Wafuna in high regard; trusting that he would make fair judgements in cases such as this one.  To add salt to injury, despite the fact that Sembatya’s antagonism had been plainly visible, Apio had never anticipated that the headmaster would stoop as low as making such false accusations.

A deep chasm followed thereafter, with Apio spending evening after evening locked up in her house crying her eyes out.  It was during one such evening that Sembatya’s driver dropped by to pick the office keys; explaining that the boss had forgotten his phone at the reception.  As he got into the car, he muttered that Sembatya and others were busy ‘chilling off’ at the village pub.  “Why not join us?”, he asked adding that the entire office team was having fun.  Plainly, despite Apio’s frets and wailings, Sembatya and company were ’living’.  My friend had failed to wake up to the truth that ‘there was life beyond Sembatya’.  Rather, by choosing to reminisce about her boss, Apio had condemned herself to endless emotional torture.

Focussing on offenders can easily hijack your happy moments and tranquillity; as by doing so, you give your enemies the ‘remote control’ to switch your joy on and off at leisure.  Moreover, before you know it, an offender becomes your major discussion topic.  This is sad.  For you end up punishing yourself whilst your enemy is running scot-free, enjoying life.  By refusing to forgive, you literally lock yourself up in a ‘cage’ while holding the keys to your freedom.  Needless to say, unforgiveness is a self-inflicted punishment…, drinking poison yet expecting your enemy to die.