Imposing ‘Sanctions’

Some people opt to maliciously punish victims who dare disclose or complain about an offender.  A case in point was when Birungi spotlighted a mistake that Lutalo had made.  Under normal circumstances, the boss was supposed to get demand projections from Birungi, as Marketing Manager.  However, just to ‘put Birungi in her place’, Lutalo had decided to present a Market Plan to the board, without allowing Birungi to cross-check the figures.  Immediately after the board meeting, Lutalo had summoned his team to his office; and expressed his gross dissatisfaction with the marketing department.  “People, we have to be serious”, he had snapped.  “These figures are erroneous, and the board is very furious” he yelled, throwing the file on the table.  That was when Birungi had sprung to her team’s defence, “but I did not see the document Sir”, she said firmly.  “I propose that next time, my team looks at the draft first, to ensure that the marketing perspective is adequately covered”; she recommended.  Lutalo’s eyes rolled in his sockets.  As far as he was concerned, no employee got away with ‘putting the boss right’, moreover ‘publicly’. 

Consequently, from that day onwards, Birungi hardly got considered for trainings or international trips, a thing which served to make her hate Lutalo the more.  “What a relief it was when I finally got employed where I could give my feedback without being punished for it…; Thank God Lutalo was not responsible for manufacturing my oxygen…, he would have switched off the machine”, she concluded.

Some offenders are renowned for denying victims due benefits or rewards as a punishment for being vocal.  They forget that ‘slamming sanctions’ on people does not necessarily stop victims from getting opportunities elsewhere. 

Selfishness

Birungi explained how Lutalo would go stepping on other people’s toes whilst he had zero tolerance for employees who dared offend him.  “That was being outright selfish”, she pointed out in dismay.

Lutalo had forgotten that relationships are a ‘two-way street’.  If a relationship is lopsided, things may not work, as one party will seem to benefit at the expense of the other.  Such a relationship will definitely end up with one of the parties either frustrated or upset. 

You must aspire to learn the expectations of those in your sphere of influence and accommodate them in a relationship.  Have empathy.  Be ready to ‘give-and-take’ instead of always expecting that others should seek your pardon, while you sit back, relax and enjoy being begged for forgiveness.  You need to be sensitive to the emotions of those around you.  If you just take and take without giving out, you push people into the ‘do-not-forgive’ zone, thereby contributing to them becoming bitter in a relationship.

Just as I was about to conclude this point, my husband called.  “It is getting late, I hope you will be here within the hour”, he said; at which I promised that we would depart from the Island pretty shortly.  “And, guess what…, I ordered some prawns so prepare your stomach for a gorgeous dinner” I pledged. 

Soon thereafter, I told Birungi that we should ‘call it a day’.  She smiled, glancing at her wrist watch.  “Wow, time has flown so fast today”, she exclaimed…, “but one thing I can tell you for sure is that I have made up my mind to forgive Lutalo.  The costs of not doing so are quite high, and I am not prepared to incur them.., plus you have shown me how…, so the ball is in my court!”  That was the best news I had heard from her in a long time, I thought, as I gave her a very big hug.

Soon we were homeward bound on-board the wooden dinghy; chatting whilst admiring the orange patterns that the tropical sunset had so intricately cast on the ocean.  The sea was amazingly calm, as if in commemoration of the peace that Birungi had finally found.  “Thank you for this surprise…, it was so special”, she whispered just before we disembarked.  “Don’t forget our salon date tomorrow”, she added.  There was no doubt that our Saturday had been very well spent. “Oh, thank you Lord”, I said under my breath. For I knew in my heart of hearts, that my mission had been accomplished!

KEY LESSONS FROM IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

One of the most important lessons from this chapter is that personal growth often begins with honest self-examination. While it is natural to focus on the actions and shortcomings of others, lasting change is more likely when we are willing to examine our own attitudes, behaviours and responses.

This chapter reminds us that not every conflict is the same. Some situations arise primarily because of the actions of one individual. Others involve misunderstandings, unrealistic expectations, poor communication or behaviours that contribute to tension and disagreement. Although responsibility may not always be shared equally, there are often lessons that each person can learn from the experience.

Another important lesson is that self-awareness is a strength rather than a weakness. A willingness to acknowledge mistakes, identify areas for improvement and learn from past experiences creates opportunities for growth that might otherwise be missed. Individuals who continually blame others for every problem often limit their own ability to develop healthier relationships and make better decisions.

This chapter also highlights the importance of humility. Humility enables us to ask difficult questions, consider alternative perspectives and recognise that our understanding of a situation may not always be complete. It creates room for learning, healing and personal transformation.

At the same time, self-examination should not be confused with self-condemnation. The purpose of reflecting on our own contribution to relational difficulties is not to generate guilt or shame. Rather, it is to increase awareness and encourage growth. The goal is not to dwell on past mistakes but to learn from them and make better choices moving forward.

Perhaps the most valuable lesson is that we have far greater influence over our own attitudes and behaviours than we do over the actions of others. While we cannot control how other people think, feel or behave, we can influence our responses, decisions and patterns of behaviour. This places significant power for positive change within our own hands.

As you reflect on the lessons from this chapter, consider what insights you have gained about yourself, your relationships and the way you respond to conflict and disappointment. Identify the areas where growth is needed and commit yourself to continuous improvement.

Ultimately, healthier relationships are built not only through forgiveness but also through self-awareness, personal responsibility and a willingness to grow. The more we learn from our experiences, the better equipped we become to build relationships characterised by greater understanding, maturity and mutual respect.

As we conclude the thematic sections of this guide, take time to reflect on the journey you have undertaken. From Birungi's story to the lessons on forgiveness, emotional freedom and personal responsibility, each section has provided an opportunity to learn, reflect and grow. The greatest value of these lessons lies not in understanding them but in applying them consistently in everyday life.