INTRODUCING IT TAKES TWO TO TANGO

Throughout this guide, we have explored the nature of unforgiveness, examined its symptoms, reflected on its costs and discussed practical principles for protecting our hearts and extending forgiveness. Much of this discussion has focused on how we respond when we are hurt by the actions of others.

While this perspective is important, it is not the whole story.

In some situations, conflicts arise because of the actions, attitudes or decisions of one individual. In other situations, however, relational difficulties are influenced by the behaviour of more than one person. Although the contributions may not be equal, each party may have played a role in creating, sustaining or escalating the problem.

Recognising this reality requires honesty, humility and self-awareness. It is often easier to identify the faults of others than to examine our own attitudes and behaviours. Yet meaningful personal growth frequently begins when we are willing to ask difficult questions about ourselves.

The purpose of this chapter is not to assign blame or minimise the wrongs committed by others. Neither is it intended to suggest that every conflict involves equal responsibility. Rather, it is designed to encourage self-examination and help readers identify areas where their own actions, assumptions, expectations or responses may have contributed to relational challenges.

Personal growth becomes more likely when we focus on the factors within our control rather than those beyond it. While we cannot change the behaviour of other people, we can learn from our experiences, examine our choices and make adjustments that contribute to healthier relationships in the future.

As you work through this chapter, approach it with an open mind and a willing heart. Resist the temptation to focus exclusively on what others did wrong. Instead, consider what lessons can be learnt about your own attitudes, behaviours and responses.

The goal is not self-condemnation. The goal is self-awareness. By understanding our own contribution to relational difficulties where appropriate, we place ourselves in a stronger position to grow, heal and build healthier relationships moving forward.

Let us now explore some of the ways in which personal attitudes and behaviours can influence the quality of our relationships and contribute to the outcomes we experience.

CHAPTER 6

It Takes Two to Tango

Things that Make It Difficult for Others to Forgive You

The sound of crickets started to echo from the nearby savannah bushes, signalling that the evening was just about to set in.  Time had whizzed by so fast.  We had covered a lot since our arrival at Makumbusho Park, but there was still one thing that Birungi needed to know.  “Now that you appreciate how vital it is to forgive offenders, you must make it easy for others to forgive you”, I asserted to my friend; as we shifted from the lawn to a raffia thatched umbrella; where a cup of tea and pan-fried banana pancakes were waiting.  “Contemplate for a bit.  If Lutalo had tried to make it easy for you to forgive him, wouldn’t this have helped?”  I asked.  “Joy, had the man created a conducive environment, not only would I have found it easier to forgive him; but I would have healed faster” she admitted. 

Someone may be more than ready to forgive you, but your behaviour could be an impediment, thereby ruining valuable relationships; which, by the way, do not come cheap.  Needless to say, being a person who is easily pardonable will take you places since people will find you easy to relate to.  Consequently, you must drop all mannerisms that would work against your being easily forgiven by those you upset.  Remember, many offences are interpersonal; whereby each party may have contributed to harming or breaking a relationship. 

So, what could make it difficult for others to forgive you?

It Takes Two to Tango

Things that Make It Difficult for Others to Forgive You

The sound of crickets started to echo from the nearby savannah bushes, signalling that the evening was just about to set in.  Time had whizzed by so fast.  We had covered a lot since our arrival at Makumbusho Park, but there was still one thing that Birungi needed to know.  “Now that you appreciate how vital it is to forgive offenders, you must make it easy for others to forgive you”, I asserted to my friend; as we shifted from the lawn to a raffia thatched umbrella; where a cup of tea and pan-fried banana pancakes were waiting.  “Contemplate for a bit.  If Lutalo had tried to make it easy for you to forgive him, wouldn’t this have helped?”  I asked.  “Joy, had the man created a conducive environment, not only would I have found it easier to forgive him; but I would have healed faster” she admitted. 

Someone may be more than ready to forgive you, but your behaviour could be an impediment, thereby ruining valuable relationships; which, by the way, do not come cheap.  Needless to say, being a person who is easily pardonable will take you places since people will find you easy to relate to.  Consequently, you must drop all mannerisms that would work against your being easily forgiven by those you upset.  Remember, many offences are interpersonal; whereby each party may have contributed to harming or breaking a relationship. 

So, what could make it difficult for others to forgive you?

Failing to Apologise

Lutalo would do things seemingly aimed at hurting Birungi, but would never show any remorse for his offensive actions.  “The following day, the man would just continue with his ‘business as usual’, as though nothing had happened the day before.  Not at any point did he ever say that he was sorry”, Birungi complains. 

That was a very insensitive way for Lutalo to behave.  The fact is, people are not machines; they have feelings.  Therefore, it is wrong for you to presuppose that a relationship will continue where you left off, without even bothering to repair the cracks you inflicted. 

However, people turn up with all sorts of excuses as to why they never seek pardon.  For starters, some feel that apologising will make them fall off their pedestals; that their self-image is too high up the ranks for them to stoop that low.  They have a misperception that asking for forgiveness lowers their status and that it is only inferior weaklings that ever admit to others that they need forgiveness.

Others have trouble with actually saying the words “I am sorry”.  They find it so humiliating that they would rather revert to alternative ways of seeking retribution, such as gifts and ‘just being nice’.  They use the excuse “he will know that I am sorry anyway”.  But unfortunately, this approach hardly works, as many people prefer that the offender actually articulates the ‘I am sorry’ rather than hiding behind gifts and other camouflages.  Such tendencies may succeed in bringing temporary relief, but unfortunately those fruits never last.

Some individuals interpret apologising as admitting that they are the ones that made the mistake and not the offender.  They claim that soliciting for pardon is ‘letting the offender off the hook’.  But that is not necessarily true.  For example, although you may not be the one that wronged the other party, you still could apologise for having misunderstood the person, or for the inconvenience that you caused.

Some people claim that saying sorry opens doors to more accusations from the offender; and that by apologising, they are surrendering their territory bit by bit, to the offender.  Others fear that their ‘sorrys’ may be rejected, which will make them feel worse.  Yet others say that apologising is not a man’s thing, claiming that it is only women who ever do that. 

But whatever your excuse may be, you need to understand that failing to say sorry (and mean it) will make it difficult for others to forgive you, even though they could have wanted to do that easily.  In case you fear that by apologising, you will be misunderstood or rejected, I understand your point of view.  But you can always prepare yourself for such reactions.  Study the person you offended and how he or she could respond when you ask for forgiveness.  Many times, if you anticipate that someone may react negatively, it takes the sting out of those reactions should the person react as you predicted.