INTRODUCING THE SIX PRINCIPLES ON HOW TO FORGIVE

Throughout this guide, we have explored the nature of unforgiveness, examined its symptoms, considered its costs and discussed practical habits that can help protect our hearts from bitterness and resentment. These discussions provide valuable insights into the problem and its effects. However, they also lead us to an important question: How do we actually forgive?

For many people, forgiveness sounds simple in theory but difficult in practice. While most individuals recognise the importance of forgiveness, many struggle to understand what it involves and how it can be applied in real-life situations.

Part of the challenge lies in the fact that forgiveness is often misunderstood. Some people view it as forgetting an offence. Others see it as excusing unacceptable behaviour or pretending that a painful experience never occurred. Still others assume that forgiveness automatically restores trust and relationships. These misunderstandings can make forgiveness seem either unrealistic or undesirable.

In reality, forgiveness is neither denial nor approval of wrongdoing. It is not a refusal to acknowledge pain, nor is it an invitation to continue tolerating harmful behaviour. Rather, forgiveness is a deliberate decision to release the burden of resentment and pursue emotional freedom, regardless of whether circumstances change.

This does not mean that forgiveness is always easy. Some hurts run deep. Some disappointments leave lasting emotional wounds. Some offences have consequences that cannot be reversed. Yet even in such situations, forgiveness remains one of the most powerful choices a person can make in pursuit of healing and personal growth.

The principles discussed in this chapter are intended to provide practical guidance for those who desire to move beyond unforgiveness and embrace emotional freedom. They are not presented as quick fixes or simplistic solutions. Rather, they are intended to help readers understand the nature of forgiveness and take meaningful steps towards applying it in their own lives.

As you read through the principles that follow, remember that forgiveness is often a process rather than a single event. Progress may occur gradually. Some situations may require more time than others. The important thing is to remain committed to the journey.

The goal of this chapter is not merely to help you understand forgiveness intellectually. It is to help you practise it in ways that promote healing, strengthen relationships where appropriate and contribute to a healthier, more fulfilling life.

Let us now examine six practical principles that can help us understand and apply forgiveness more effectively.

CHAPTER 5

How to Forgive

“I have decided to forgive Lutalo”, Birungi disclosed; as we continued with our enlightening tête-à-tête at Makumbusho Park; and that, much to my relief.  “However”, she added hesitantly; “I doubt whether the man would ever get off his ‘high horse’ to say ‘sorry’.  Does he even regret the turmoil he caused…? I wonder!” she exclaimed.

Could you be having a similar perception regarding your opponent? 

Foremost, Birungi needed to recognise that forgiving Lutalo did not depend on the man’s ‘sorrys’.  Rather, it meant taking a ‘one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees’ turn; by wilfully erasing each and every hard feeling hoarded against that boss.  But to start with, my friend would have to appreciate some truths about ‘forgiveness’.  So should you!

How to Forgive

“I have decided to forgive Lutalo”, Birungi disclosed; as we continued with our enlightening tête-à-tête at Makumbusho Park; and that, much to my relief.  “However”, she added hesitantly; “I doubt whether the man would ever get off his ‘high horse’ to say ‘sorry’.  Does he even regret the turmoil he caused…? I wonder!” she exclaimed.

Could you be having a similar perception regarding your opponent? 

Foremost, Birungi needed to recognise that forgiving Lutalo did not depend on the man’s ‘sorrys’.  Rather, it meant taking a ‘one-hundred-and-eighty-degrees’ turn; by wilfully erasing each and every hard feeling hoarded against that boss.  But to start with, my friend would have to appreciate some truths about ‘forgiveness’.  So should you!

Your Heart is at the Core of ‘Forgiveness’

“Rungi, in order to succeed in forgiving Lutalo, you must condition your heart since that is where forgiveness begins, thrives and also flows from”, I advised.  “How on earth does one do that, Joy”? she quizzed curiously, as though I had just sent her on ‘Mission Impossible!’ 

But despite Birungi’s masked reservations, attuning one’s heart to forgive offenders is possible; as Katalina attests.  You would recall how her boss Nathani had frustrated the young woman’s fully-sponsored training aspirations, to the point that she failed to complete her fully-sponsored studies.  “In no time, I found myself detesting Nathani greatly, yet I knew that such feelings would not favour my physical, mental and spiritual health”, Katalina confesses.  She goes ahead to share how she dealt with the bitterness that had started germinating in her heart.  “I had read that one could tune her mind through confessing words…, and that utterances could either ‘make or break’ things”, she reveals, with unmistakable seriousness.  “That was when I embarked on talking to myself that I had forgiven Nathani; and to confess that over and over again.  As time went by, I was amazed to find that the bitterness had dissolved, to the point that, these days, I do not avoid him anymore!”, she discloses.  “This may sound far-fetched, but it works!” she emphatically concludes.

Apparently, unrealistic though it may sound to some; consistent, fervent and genuine confessions can have immense impact; not only in you, but also on your environment.  Confession drives truths deep into the walls of one’s heart, positioning a person to genuinely demonstrate forgiveness outwardly.  Indeed, when you say something long enough, it becomes a reality.